Dear Self;

This year has been a huge ride. So far, there's been an amazing roller-coaster of emotions ; the high tide of negative self deprecating thoughts followed by an extreme hit of happiness: a feeling like I am on top of the world but here I am, a bit calm and grateful.

I started this year with very little self love. I felt like an underachiever. I spent too much time focusing on things that are already past allowing them to hold me back from experiencing these new things. The thoughts of past failure held me from achieving new wins. I remember all the time I spent loving people that didn't reciprocate when I could have just worked on loving myself. I remember losing opportunities simply because I refused to step up and believe in myself enough to do the things that I believe in. I remember tight corners and bad choices I had to make. I remember the days I had to keep my cool but I was losing the battle in my head so badly. I remember feeling like I had no one in the world and the disappointment when I thought I was right.

So, when I started this year, I was a little hard on my self. Some say, the god of opportunity is a slippery god with only one piece of long hair and you have to grab it by its hair once it's near otherwise, it slips away from you and goes around playing the same games with other people . This god visited in the past year and guess who didn't think its hair was worth grabbing? Me!

I felt I had missed my one shot at life as I didn't grab opportunity's hair when I had the chance and I might never be able to. I felt like the universe will move on to someone else and leave me to regret my choices, eternally wallowing in self pity, self doubt, a basement, every negative feeling. Surprisingly, that didn't happen.

Somehow, the tide changed. It took one conversation to make me feel like I was not alone. I started to think, really think, about the the positives in my life and I was in a relatively permanent state of euphoria when I realized that I had people around me who love and support me. Haha! Love! I have friends who are always ready to support me. I have an amazing maternal family that love, care and would support whatever I do. When my love for myself felt low, I had theirs to fuel me and keep me going. I had to think back at how their love for me didn't happen recently or suddenly. It was always there but I was too invested in self deprecation that it took me a long time to acknowledge it. I was too focused on asking the universe 'Why me?' that I didn't notice all the love I was getting, the things I was achieving silently and honesty all this love 'Why not me!!!' So what if my wins aren't as loud as I wanted? So what If things are not working out as I had hoped! What if the world was moving so fast I felt static? What if everyone couldn't be my friend?

At the end of the day, What ifs? What ifs? would take me nowhere and the realization is what has given me peace. I have decided now that this is the way I want to go, forward. The only competition I have is myself. The only enemy I have is myself. The strongest friend I have is myself. It's really me vs me out here and I wouldn't change that for the world.

So, I'm thankful for where I am now. When opportunities arise, I no longer have self deprecating thoughts, feeling like I can't do this ' why me?, why can't someone else do this?. Well, Bring it on now 'cos I've got this, I'm perfect for it. So, why not me?!